BY JOSES SAMBO GARBA
Abstract: The display and continues increase in irresponsibility by the male gender is a cause to worry. A show of nonchalant attitudes to any and everything except what benefits only them and in bid to impress. The gap between the older and younger generation seem to make things even more difficult. Future fathers (i.e younger generation) keep up attitudes which which are ill and worrisome. Older generations pass down attitudinal traits consciously and unconsciously and a circle of character is formed.
THE CIRCLE OF FATHERHOOD
JOSES SAMBO GARBA
INTRODUCTION AND BACKGROUND
The role and functions as well as responsibilities of fathers in first, families cannot be overly emphasized.
One would agree that for any generation with either a positive or negative attitude, it is transmitted just like characters from genes, particularly for young growing minds.
I personally and am sure others can say the same thing, have been hearing talks like; this generation, are you guys like this? Like this being “different”, stubborn and difficult and impossible, not holding or having any regard(s) for anyone or anything or even the older generation.
Well the truth is that, the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. A display of what a younger generation display is not far from what the older generation displayed or still display.
How then can there be a balance between the older and younger generation? Can certain mistakes be made right in the now and future, particularly among the male gender? Is there a special ritual to be performed, or a special prayer point be made?
Notice how children who have good relationships with their dads behave, notice how they relate with others, notice how averagely to completely decent they can get and be. The bonds between a father and children cannot be over emphasized, fathers acting as pillars of both support and protection, fathers being friends, fathers with understanding on the roles ad responsibilities of fatherhood.
SONSHIP
Usually and normally, when the word “son” or “male” is used, it is regarded as masculine in nature i.e physical appearance, voice output for some, broad shoulders, flat chest (not protruded as in ladies), straight hips, walk uptight and of cus the possession of the male genitals.
The question then arises as, does possessing all the above mentioned attributes qualifies the gender ‘male’? Or is there more to being a son?
First, let us get the definition of the word “son”-it refers to a boy or man, a male decedent or a male offspring.
OK, back to the question, possessing the attributes of a male yes, makes one a male decedent. However, not being able to carry out certain responsibilities and duties changes a whole lot about the gender.
This article focuses on the gender “male”, and what it constitutes. It also focuses on some of the determinate factor(s) which makes the male gender A MALE. Some of these factors include family orientation, community and peer factors, that play vital role(s) in determining the display of character in individuals. It also focuses on some of the necessities to be adopted in fostering and molding better fathers as well as some neglects from the older generation.
STAND POINT
Discussions, concerns and attention has been drawn on the male gender in general in small or large groups, debates at different levels and in religious settings, on some of the roles meant to be possessed by the male child, on how to be better individuals and fathers in the future, on issues relating to future parenting and leaders (heads), on issues of increased and high levels of crime carried out.
This article is written from experience and general observations, from families to communities and and it goes on and on.
Personally, i have come across a lot of guys who feel and think being a man is just a show of strength and authority, where guys are only concerned with display of beauty, wealth, fame and pride outside, where guys are not concerned on how well mannered they are but on how good and acceptable they get.
“MEN ARE ONLY CONCERNED
WITH DISPLAY OF AUTHORITY,
FAME AND WEALTH”.
We have gotten to a time in the 21st century and you would agree with me that there are a whole lot of concerns about the male gender as whole particularly the younger generation. Some of these concerns include;
- Guys are not caring (some),
- Guys do not possess the knowledge on how to take care of a woman,
- Guys do not possess knowledge on basic household stuffs, example, kitchen duties, household chores, dressing of the bed after sleep etc.
Some might not agree with the above, but then truth must be said. The display of authority shouldn’t just be the mans stronghold, there should be a display of love, empathy and respect. All these come when and if there is a willingness on the mans part to be human.
“THE MAN SHOULD ALSO DISPLAY
LOVE, EMPATHY AND RESPECT”.
Writing from personal experience, it has gotten to the part where basically everything has been left to ladies/women to do to the extent that some women are now the bread winners of the home. Some women have been subjected to the office of “full time house wives” and still the man doesn’t do the needful.
Some or most of the display and attitude displayed by people are attributes which where carried over from childhood to adulthood. I have heard teenage boys say they cannot sweep, clean or even wash their own stuffs. When asked, they reply with “it is the woman’s duty to do all. Some even go to the extent of saying “God made the woman to be the helper,” while in reality the woman has been made a slave.
“SOME DISPLAY OF ATTITUDE
ARE ATTITUDES CARRIED OVER
FORM CHILDHOOD TO ADULTHOOD”.
In some parts of the country, women are basically the bread winners, performing both the male and female part. I served in a community in kogi state (Adavi local Government area), where i saw women hawk to earn a living, kids join their mothers after school to hawk, while some of the men just sit home.
Young minds grow with some of these mentalities and grow up to be men on the outside and appearance and not with the mentalities that come with being a man.
One would then wonder what being a man is-does it actually go beyond the physical display of the masculine nature? The answer is a YES, before i touch the roles, let us look at the father-son relationship.
FATHER-SON RELATIONSHIP AND RESPONSIBILITIES
I added “responsibilities” because of the role every father must play to foster relationship with son(s) to make them useful to both themselves, the family and the society.
Every father rich or poor, educated or not, possesses the sole responsibility of nurturing within the man he would call his son. A father is charged with the responsibility to teach his son(s) and provide the tools to success and to live in and through it. A father must in other to mold his young son(s) mind do the following;
- Provide a safe home “not a house”
This goes beyond providing a roof over their heads, but a place where they are comfortable, happy and feel a sense of security.
- Provide love and support
- Manage behavior
Every father must be able to manage his own behavior then would know how to manage the son(s) behavior. It is important to be patient and understanding in nurturing behavior.
- Continue to improve skills
A father must be willing and interested as well as ready to improve skills then he can be a better mentor and the best to foster the son(s).
Children possess great minds in admiring and adopting parent-like attitude(s). they learn by watching and not necessarily what they are told. This is the more reason why parents must grow positively and cautious of their acts.
“EVERY FATHER MUST BE
WILLING TO IMPROVE SKILLS”.
A fathers influence lasts a lifetime as children look up to their fathers for strength and support.
As a kid, i looked up to my father like this omnipotent being, a supernatural, all knowing and powerful person. I saw him a role model who seemed ‘larger than life itself’. he was able to solve any and everything and seemed to know some to fix anything and something if he couldn’t. over the years, i mi-miked my father consciously and unconsciously such as display of confidence, public speaking and a keen sense of management. This makes it so much easy for someone to look at me and say, you remind me of your father.
The same is said about and almost all children. Children especially boy child look up to their fathers and tend to learn a lot such as; honesty, self love, self confidence, compassion and practical approach to finances.
“CHILDREN LEARN HONESTY,
SELF LOVE, CONFIDENCE AND
COMPASSION FROM FATHERS”.
This article doesn’t dispute the roles and the importance of mothers or women in a child’s life, but focuses on fathers and sons. Fathers tend to construct and maintain as well as build intimacy through various activities while women on the other hand develop bonds through communication.
Having to know that the father is the single most important model in a child’s life and this determines how the child will father his kids in the future, the question then comes, why and what is the cause of a disconnection between the older and younger generation i.e fathers and sons? Where was and is love lost?
The bond created between a father and a son begins from when a child is conceived. This bond extends to external factors such as, what activities fathers do with their sons, utilizing these opportunities to foster and nurture a better man from childhood. These include; smoothing, cuddling, feeding, playing and changing diapers from childhood and providing attention, setting a good example, developing and spending time together as well as share interest such, music, outdoor activities, game sports, listening to music, have conversations as the child grows.
“FATHERS MUST LEARN TO DO ACTIVITIES
TO FOSTER RELATIONSHIP WITH SONS”
All the above helps to develop a meaningful relationship and produces better future fathers.
The direct opposite of the above is what the community now have to deal with i.e increase crime rate, and societal ills. It is in the now communities and families that we hear and see things like “i have a DAD, but not a FATHER”.
Young teenagers to adults faulter in many ways because there wasn’t and still isn’t a good and solid foundation and relationship from an early age from parties concerned. Some young men become fathers by circumstances. Some of the faults come as a result of young mind giving a deaf ear to older doctrines and to environmental and peer influence as discussed below.
A lot of challenges are faced today because of much irresponsibility, particularly from the male child. This can be attributed to lack and inadequate parenting, temperament and behavior problems.
Statistics has shown that men from different age groups commit more crimes than women, these is also attributed to low levels self control associated with criminal activity.
The male male child tends be involved in more risk activities and is open to trying anything and everything no matter the cost.
One of the biggest factors which play and still plays an important role is the environmental factor. A typical example, i work in a government school in one of the local government areas in Kaduna State and have constantly heard guys say they cannot do certain house chores because it has been designated to women. This mentality is something they grew up seeing and have adopted such as the social norm. I have seen and heard where husbands cannot assist the wife to even hold a bag, where the women are responsible to provide meals in the home while the husband finds other priorities, where the husband makes statements to the wife like ‘i own you and you don’t have a say’, where one is so use to hearing of irresponsibility from men.
If all of these attitudes and displays are of good, then it wont be a problem especially to the younger generations. All the younger generation see and hear is the superiority of men and the display of ill attitudes towards self, family and the community in some cases.
Have you thought of environmental and peer influences on a child’s mental and psychological development?
OK, get this;
A child’s behavior is determined by the child’s belief, emotions, attitudes whether planned or deliberate.
The hallmark of childhood is the constant exposure to developmental challenges. Kids explore, practice and experiment as changes occur.
The type of environment in which a child is brought up and exposed to determines what he/she grows up with.
“THE HALLMARK OF CHILDHOOD
IS THE CONSTANT EXPOSURE
TO DEVELOPMENTAL CHALLENGES”.
It is rather unfortunate the type of environment most male children grow up to-environments where there is no respect for the rule of law, where anything and everything illicit is the norm, where one is only recognized when and if you belong to a gang.
This collective action of first, an individual, then a group has contributed to social and environmental and family irregularities.
PEERS
Going on peer influence, this provides similar complexity and effect on young growing minds. Kids tend to associate with individuals or groups with similar features or to traits others possess. These could be through admiration to others or in a bit to ‘belong’. in time, these admiration triggers a way of life and then becomes attitude.
The influence of peers and the environment cannot be over emphasized, this is the more reason why family orientation and time has to be utilized
A typical example is, children from a particular age spend more time outside the family and in the company of peers, particularly those in boarding schools who spend close to three months away from home and in company of minds from different backgrounds. For those in day-schools, a child spends up to 8 hours outside the house and might probably come home after school to still go out with friends.
In all, the child’s upbringing is vital, it is these attitudes displayed by the older generation that younger generations emulate and these cycle continues from one generation to the next. Life and all we do and adopt becomes a circle.
HOW SHOULD YOUNGER GENERATIONS BE ASSISTED?
As i conclude on these article, the younger man should be put to mind and assisted in the following ways
- Early positive upbringing,
- Attention and time utilization
- A good personal relationship first with self (for parents),people and then children,
- Invest and encourage kids,
- Pray with and for kids,
- Do activities together.
Remember that life is a circle, as these kids grow particularly male children, they improve on either the positive or negative things already learnt and is in turn these characters are transmitted either consciously or unconsciously to the next generation.